FEARLESS RISING

REPRINTED FROM A TWEEXT BY FEARLESS RISING

Growing up, I remember so often dialing my dad's cell number into our rotary phone.

If he didn't answer, I'd lose sleep for hours, thinking his plane had crashed.

And when he finally did call back, I'd sob from relief.

In hindsight, I know this wasn't a normal reaction but I was 6 and my parents had just gone through a separation.

My mom's sadness was palpable, even though she never spoke about it.

I knew she loved me but I could also feel the scar tissue that had closed over her heart.

I suspect she wasn't as attuned to me because of her own grief.

And this made me even more hyper-attuned to her.

My nervous system could pick up on a change in tone or a stifled tear from a mile away.

As for my dad, you remember the plane and the phone calls.

He traveled a lot.

He'd be off in a single engine Cessna flying himself to sales pitches, user groups and client meetings every other week.

In some kind of parentification role reversal, I was constantly worried about his safety.

And it didn't dawn on me until recently...

The level of worry for my mom's emotional wellbeing and torment over my dad's physical distance was because of one thing:

I was becoming wired for anxious attachment.

Here's what I mean by that:

Attachment theory was pioneered in the 1950s by psychologist, John Bowlby.

It proposes that the bond a child forms with their caregiver sets the foundation for how they approach every other relationship.

Basically, how our parents tend to our childhood needs creates an attachment style that we carry with us into adulthood.

When parents are attuned to their kids, a strong emotional connection can blossom, along with a sense of safety in the world.

This is secure attachment.

And when a child grows up with parental inconsistency, disconnection or detachment, they develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

In this context, my childhood reactions made a lot of sense.

Every time my dad flew away or my mom turned inward toward her despair, my insecurity grew.

The need for me to spend so much time tracking my parents who weren't able to stay connected to me (physically or emotionally) ended up bleeding into other ways I showed up later in life.

Anxiety, self-doubt, distrust in the world and in myself.

And that's the thing about fears.

They have a birthplace.

If you take a long, hard look at yourself and the core beliefs you carry, you'll understand where they originated from.

• Low self-worth
• Catastrophizing
• Fear of abandonment
• High emotional reactivity
• Poor emotional regulation
• Seeking constant validation
• People-pleasing tendencies
• Needing frequent reassurance of connection

What you consider to be immutable character traits could be nothing more than coping mechanisms rooted in an insecure attachment style.

The traits that you believe define your identity may be the sum result of one thing:

A primal childhood fear of disconnection that has gotten lodged in your nervous system.

And let me be the one to tell you:

Your coping mechanisms can be discarded.

You don't have to accept them as normal.

It's within your power to decide for yourself what is intrinsically yours and what you wish to release.

And I'm here to help you do that.

Like I said, every fear has a birthplace.

And for the determined and brave few, it has a final resting place.

For more content on how to rewire your brain and fortify your mind against fear:

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