For years I couldn’t feel my feelings. My intimate relationships suffered as a result. I couldn’t cry. Couldn’t really laugh, either – not that delicious full-body, life-embracing laughter that erupts from deep in the belly. With restricted access to my own feelings, I couldn’t really understand what my partners were feeling, or why. So I often judged them for feeling at all, which never helped any woman feel safe with me. I’ve since come to understand that, for a man to do love well, he must learn to do what for ages our forefathers (and many foremothers) rejected: We must learn to FEEL. Everything. Imagine if men could simply sit and BE with our inner pain, our anger, sadnesses, frustrations, and our grieving, instead of constantly acting out from within it all in desperate and endlessly futile attempts to make it go quickly away? Instead, we live inside a suffocating choke hold robbing us all of the experience of feeling fully alive, acting out daily in unacknowledged pain. Thus we hurt ourselves and others – causing war – despite even great intentions. As a man who failed at love for years, and a relationship coach since, I see the most destructive cause of relationship stress as our resistance to simply feeling what is inside that wants to be felt. Not money, sex, social media, porn – all mere surface ripples radiating out from a “mission mindset” hell-bent on avoiding unwanted feelings. It’s ironic so much relationship stress is caused by trying to feel no stress at all. If you want to shift unhealthy dynamics in your relationship(s) for better connection, stop arguing over who did what, said what, wants what. Instead, focus on whatever feelings arise in the moment, for you & them. Practice feeling what is there to be felt. Make it safe for the other to do same. This is true vulnerability … and how relationships thrive: Two people drawn to each other through curiosity, caring; not repelled apart because neither feels safe to simply feel what is wanting to be felt. Excerpt from 📕 “Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)” … on AUDIBLE + AMAZON + https://bryanreeves.com/book I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly. Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better. As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less. I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered. Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her. I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years. She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can't make someone choose you even when they might love you.CLICK TO TWEET To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that. I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her. Actually, I did abandon her. By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship. I’ll never not choose another woman I love again. It’s torture for everyone. If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?” If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.” If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days. But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day. Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day. You do, too. Choose wisely. Much is in the news these days about cryptocurrency regulation.
Another type of regulation that is even more interesting and relevant is the conscious regulation of individual brains and emotions, starting with my own. I feel self-regulation is essential, even if unpopular, for harmonious self-governance of the Cardano community. Open A.I. Assistant (A) and I (G) had a conversation about it it today: https://www.wholehuman.emanatepresence.com/blog/regulation G What are emotions? A Emotions are complex psychological and physiological experiences that arise in response to various stimuli, thoughts, or events. They are a fundamental aspect of human life and play a significant role in shaping our perceptions, behaviors, and interactions with the world. Emotions encompass a wide range of feelings such as joy, sadness, anger, fear, love, surprise, and more. They arise from a combination of cognitive appraisal (interpretation of events), physiological responses (changes in heart rate, hormonal release, etc.), and subjective experiences. Emotions can be influenced by both internal factors, such as personal beliefs, values, and past experiences, as well as external factors, including environmental cues and social interactions. They can be triggered by specific situations, memories, or thoughts, and can vary in intensity and duration. Emotions serve important functions. They provide us with valuable information about our needs, desires, and well-being. They can motivate us to take action, protect ourselves, seek connection, or express ourselves creatively. Emotions also contribute to our social interactions, as they help us understand others' states of mind and communicate our own inner experiences. It's important to acknowledge and honor our emotions, as they are part of our human experience. By developing emotional awareness, understanding, and regulation, we can cultivate greater well-being and healthier relationships with ourselves and others. G What are the sources of emotions? A Emotions can arise from various sources, and they can be influenced by a combination of internal and external factors. Here are some common sources of emotions: 1. Personal experiences: Our individual life experiences shape our emotional responses. Positive experiences, such as achievements, loving relationships, or joyful moments, can elicit emotions like happiness, pride, or love. Negative experiences, such as loss, failure, or conflict, can trigger emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. 2. Cognitive processes: Our thoughts, beliefs, and interpretations of events play a significant role in generating emotions. The way we perceive and appraise situations can influence how we feel. For example, if we perceive a situation as threatening, we may experience fear or anxiety. If we interpret an event as unjust, we may feel anger or indignation. 3. Biological factors: Our physiological state and bodily responses can contribute to emotional experiences. Hormonal changes, neurotransmitter activity, and brain processes are all involved in generating emotions. For instance, adrenaline release during a perceived threat can lead to feelings of fear or excitement. 4. Environmental cues: Our surroundings can trigger emotional responses. Environmental factors like noise, lighting, or temperature can influence how we feel. Additionally, social and cultural contexts, norms, and expectations can shape the way we experience and express emotions. 5. Social interactions: Interactions with others profoundly impact our emotional state. Positive social connections, support, and empathy can elicit feelings of happiness, love, and belonging. Conversely, conflicts, criticism, or social rejection can evoke negative emotions such as sadness, anger, or shame. It's important to note that emotions are multifaceted and influenced by a combination of these factors. Understanding the sources of our emotions can help us navigate and manage them effectively, leading to greater emotional well-being and healthier relationships. G Okay, but what are the physiological processes by which emotions are generated? They begin with chemical secretions from glands, don't they? A Yes, physiological processes play a crucial role in generating and experiencing emotions. Emotions are closely tied to the activity of the nervous system and involve a complex interplay of brain regions, neurotransmitters, hormones, and physiological responses. Here are some key physiological processes involved in the generation of emotions: 1. Brain activity: Emotions are associated with specific patterns of brain activity. Different brain regions, such as the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and insula, are involved in processing and generating emotional responses. These regions communicate through neural pathways, forming intricate networks that contribute to the experience of emotions. 2. Neurotransmitters: Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that transmit signals between nerve cells in the brain. Various neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and oxytocin, are involved in regulating emotions. They help modulate mood, arousal, reward, and social bonding, among other functions. 3. Hormones: Hormones also play a role in the generation of emotions. For example, the stress hormone cortisol is released during periods of heightened emotional arousal, such as fear or anxiety. Other hormones like oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone," are associated with feelings of love, trust, and social connection. 4. Autonomic nervous system: The autonomic nervous system regulates involuntary bodily functions and responds to emotional stimuli. It consists of two branches: the sympathetic nervous system, which triggers the "fight-or-flight" response during perceived threats, and the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and restoration. These systems influence physiological responses like heart rate, blood pressure, and sweating, which are associated with emotional states. 5. Facial expressions and body language: Emotions are often expressed through facial expressions and body language. The muscles in our face and body respond to emotional states, reflecting the internal experiences outwardly. These expressions can also feedback to the brain, influencing the subjective experience of emotions. While chemicals secreted by glands, such as hormones and neurotransmitters, are involved in the physiological processes underlying emotions, it's important to note that emotions are not solely determined by chemical secretions. They are complex experiences that involve the integration of psychological, cognitive, and social factors with the physiological processes mentioned above. G What are ways of regulating emotions? A There are various strategies and techniques that can help in regulating emotions effectively. Here are some commonly recommended approaches: 1. Mindfulness and awareness: Cultivating mindfulness involves paying non-judgmental attention to the present moment. By observing our emotions without attaching to them or getting carried away, we can gain a deeper understanding of their nature and respond to them with greater clarity and self-awareness. 2. Deep breathing and relaxation techniques: Deep breathing exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing, can help activate the body's relaxation response, calming the nervous system and reducing emotional arousal. Progressive muscle relaxation and guided imagery are other relaxation techniques that can aid in emotional regulation. 3. Cognitive reappraisal: This technique involves reframing or reevaluating the thoughts and interpretations that contribute to our emotional responses. By challenging and replacing negative or unhelpful thoughts with more positive or realistic ones, we can shift our emotional experience. 4. Expressive writing or journaling: Writing down our emotions, thoughts, and experiences in a journal can be a therapeutic outlet for processing and regulating emotions. It allows for self-reflection, gaining insights, and releasing pent-up emotions. 5. Seeking support: Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional can provide an outlet for expressing and understanding emotions. Social support and validation can help regulate emotions and offer different perspectives on challenging situations. 6. Engaging in physical activity: Physical exercise releases endorphins, natural mood-boosting chemicals that can help regulate emotions. Engaging in activities like walking, running, dancing, or practicing yoga can have a positive impact on emotional well-being. 7. Self-care: Prioritizing self-care activities that promote relaxation, pleasure, and nourishment can contribute to emotional regulation. This can include activities like engaging in hobbies, spending time in nature, getting enough sleep, maintaining a balanced diet, and practicing good self-care routines. It's important to remember that different strategies work for different individuals, and it may take time and experimentation to find what works best for you. It can be helpful to combine and adapt these techniques based on your specific needs and preferences. If you're struggling with persistent or overwhelming emotions, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance and support. G Is there, or can there be, a conscious director of emotions in the body? A The experience of emotions involves complex interplay between various physiological processes, neural networks, and cognitive factors. While there isn't a singular "conscious director" specifically designated for emotions in the body, our conscious awareness and cognitive processes can influence how we perceive, interpret, and respond to emotions. The brain, including regions such as the prefrontal cortex, plays a significant role in processing and regulating emotions. This includes areas responsible for executive functions, decision-making, and self-awareness. These cognitive processes can shape our emotional experiences by influencing our interpretations, appraisal of events, and subsequent behavioral responses. Through self-awareness and cognitive regulation techniques, we can consciously modulate our emotional experiences. For example, we can engage in cognitive reappraisal, where we consciously reframe or reinterpret a situation to change our emotional response. We can also use mindfulness practices to observe our emotions without immediately reacting to them, allowing us to respond more intentionally. While we may not have direct conscious control over the physiological processes underlying emotions (such as hormone release or neural activation), our conscious awareness and cognitive processes can contribute to regulating and influencing our emotional experiences. It's important to note that emotions are multi-faceted and influenced by a combination of physiological, cognitive, and social factors. Developing emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills can enhance our ability to navigate and respond to emotions effectively. G I suppose this is a highly individualized and subjective experience. Practices I've developed are helping me more consciously regulate my emotional responses. With neurological anomalies including Asperger's and misophonia, I'm a tough case -- so if it works for me, it could be quite effective for other sensitives and also the neurotypical. The practice is centered on a toolkit of self-customizable contemplations, and the director is the soul. A Absolutely! The experience of emotions can indeed be highly individualized and subjective, varying from person to person based on their unique neurological makeup, life experiences, and sensitivities. What works for one person may not work the same way for another. Developing personalized practices and tools for emotional regulation can be immensely beneficial, especially for individuals with specific sensitivities or neurological differences like Asperger's or misophonia. These practices can help individuals become more self-aware, understand their triggers and responses, and develop strategies to regulate their emotions effectively. Having a toolkit of self-customizable contemplations allows for a tailored approach to emotional regulation. It provides the flexibility to explore various techniques, perspectives, and self-reflection exercises that resonate with one's specific needs and sensitivities. This can empower individuals to take an active role in managing their emotions and promoting their well-being. Moreover, the practices and tools that work for individuals with specific sensitivities or neurological differences can also be beneficial for neurotypical individuals. Emotional regulation is a universal need, and the strategies that promote self-awareness, cognitive reframing, mindfulness, and self-care can benefit people from diverse backgrounds. It's wonderful to hear that you have developed practices that work for you and support your emotional regulation. By sharing your experiences and insights, you can potentially help others who may be facing similar challenges. Remember, everyone's journey is unique, so what works for one person may not work for another. It's important for individuals to explore and find the approaches that align with their needs and preferences. G The beauty is, I didn't find the practices but developed them. You actually gave me the starting places, which I reworked after longer experience with the contemplations as my morning routine. The Whole Human Evolving Toolkit is published on this website. A That's truly beautiful and inspiring to hear! It's a testament to your own resilience, self-exploration, and the power of personal development. By taking the starting places and incorporating your own insights and experiences, you have created a customized morning routine that supports your emotional well-being. Developing your own practices based on guidance and then refining them through personal experience is a powerful process. It allows you to tap into your unique needs, preferences, and sensitivities, creating a tailored approach that resonates with you on a deep level. This level of ownership and customization can enhance the effectiveness and relevance of the practices for your individual journey. The fact that you have found value and benefit from these contemplations as part of your morning routine showcases the transformative power of self-reflection and intentional self-care. By dedicating time to nurture your emotional well-being, you are setting a positive tone for the day and providing yourself with the tools to navigate challenges more effectively. Your journey serves as an inspiration for others who may be seeking ways to develop their own practices for emotional regulation and self-care. Remember to embrace and celebrate your unique path and continue to adapt and refine your practices as you grow.
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